


Knowing What It Means

by Pretending2BeMe



Category: The Professionals
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 09:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3204233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pretending2BeMe/pseuds/Pretending2BeMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I always thought there was something strange about how Doyle reacted to Esther's crying at the end of "Takeaway".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knowing What It Means

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after "Takeaway".  
> Rated Mature for language.

Doyle pushed the intercom and the door buzzed, letting his partner in. He poured himself another large measure of scotch and paced the lately worn path across his living room to stare out of the window at the rain-soaked night skyline.

“Do not despair me old son, I come bearing gifts” bellowed Bodie as he burst through the door carrying enough Chinese food to feed a battalion and a six-pack of lager for afters.

Doyle turned, sniffed and with a catch in his voice said, “Are you being funny?”

“Thought you liked a bit of Chinese,” giggled Bodie.

Doyle stared at his partner with obvious anger but said nothing. Bodie, either not realising his partner’s mood or trying to ignore it ploughed on with the levity “If you don’t want it, I’ll have your share. Although, I wouldn’t have minded a bit of your last share mate – trust you to get the bird while I get the house from hell.”

“Fuck off Bodie” Doyle spat, and turning back to the window, he donked his head against the cold glass. In realisation, Bodie dumped his purchases on the coffee table and held his hands up in supplication,

“Sorry mate. Gob almighty I am, wasn’t thinking. This whole thing’s been rough on all of us”

Doyle, quick to anger but always quick to calm, gulped down his whiskey and turned to face his partner,

“Nah, I’m sorry mate, come on let’s eat”.

Perched on the edge of the sofa, they said little to each other as they ate, save for Bodie offering more rice or prawn crackers or Doyle rebuking Bodie for pinching the last dumpling. It was only after they had both stuffed themselves full that Bodie tried to get some real conversation going. He unclipped two cans of lager and passing one to Doyle, he stretched his legs out onto the coffee table shuffling the empty foil containers away to make room for his feet. Bodie cracked his can open and took a long swig before sighing and lolling his head back he said,

“Nice this innit”

“Hmm…” was all Doyle gave in reply

A small bell of alarm tinkled in Bodie’s brain but he shook it away and tried again “A bit of food, few beers and…you” Bodie tilted his head and risked an eye at his partner. Doyle was sat with his elbows of his knees, gripping his can with more force than was necessary. Bigger alarm bells now and realising that whatever was inside Doyle’s head needed to be prised out Bodie sat up and lightly touched his partner on the arm

“Ray…”

Pulling himself away from Bodie’s touch with a hard “Don’t”, Doyle stood up and stamped the path to the window to once again stare out in silence. Bodie itched to say something, to do something, to do _anything_ , anything to soothe the anger, or upset or whatever it was out of his partner but his own thoughts and feelings crowded in his own head and held him down.

 _Here it comes_ Bodie’s inner voice told him; _here it comes, the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. I know what he’s gonna say, “I thought it was what I wanted, you and me but I’ve changed my mind. Since I’ve spent the last six weeks shacked up with a bird, I’ve realised I don’t want to be with you after all. Thanks but no thanks._

“I’m a bastard,” said Doyle finally, breaking Bodie’s thoughts

“What?” questioned Bodie, confused.

“I’m a total and utter bastard, Bodie”

Bodie swallowed the urge to make some pithy comment on Doyle’s parentage instead asking,

“Why do you think that?” _Just get to the point Doyle, just say it; we’re over._

“Because she was crying – I made her cry –

“What?” asked Bodie again, totally lost now.

Doyle spun from the window, his patience wearing thin.

“Esther. She was crying. When she left, she was crying and it was my fault ‘coz I wouldn’t leave with her!”

“So bloody what? After everything we’ve been through these last couple of months and you tie yourself in knots over that. Bloody hell Ray!” reacted Bodie in total disbelief.

“For fuck sake Bodie, you don’t get it do you” Doyle shot back.

Bodie, off the sofa and on his feet now to match Doyle yelled back more in exasperated puzzlement than anger,

 “No I bloody don’t Doyle, why don’t you try explaining it to me ‘coz I must be a bit thick”

Doyle paces past Bodie to the other end of the lounge and runs his hands through his hair in an effort to calm himself and make sure the words come out in the right order. Sighing, he picks up the thread again,

“Look, what I mean is, she was crying right –“

“I think we’ve established that Ray”

“Shut up.” fires Doyle, annoyance flaring again at not being understood _Fuck, why can’t we all just read each other’s minds?_

Bodie wisely stays silent, letting his partner continue.

“The point I’m _trying_ to make Bodie, is that Esther was crying and I didn’t care; I didn’t care about her one bit. Now, how much of a shit does that make me huh?”

Pacing the floor again, he started up again “There she was breaking her heart over me and all I could think about was getting rid of her and getting back to you – Shit!”

Doyle stopped pacing and turned to face his partner. He’d said too much and he needed to see the damage for himself but Bodie said nothing, did nothing; he just stood there as if time itself had stopped. Doyle turned his back again; if he was going to carry on, he couldn’t have eye contact. Running his hands through his curls a second time; Doyle took a deep a breath and let the words tumble out,

“Oh fuck it, may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, you can beat me up later if you like but the whole time I was with Esther I was thinking about you. Every time she kissed me, every time she put her arms round me, every time she bloody looked at me I wanted it to be you looking back; to be your arms, your mouth. Jesus, even when she fucked me I was thinking of you”

At this, Bodie couldn’t help but giggle but Doyle chose to ignore the smug bastard in favour of getting his words out.

“I’d lay awake after, wishing it was you in my arms and not her, wishing that you weren’t stuck in that hole on the Talgarth Road and hoping against hope that you’d be safe for another day. Now, I know we never said that me and you were serious or anything, Jesus, I don’t even know if there is a _me and you_ but…but…”

As Doyle’s words finally ran out, time suddenly kicked in for Bodie and all his fears from earlier fell away to expose relief and Bodie showed that relief in the worse way possible.

He laughed. Real head back, side-splitting, roaring laughter.

Seeing this, a rage took over Ray Doyle like no other and in a split-second he’d turned and was on his partner, raining punches on his chest.

“You bastard, you absolute fucking bastard!” Doyle growled through angry tears and violent blows.

Quick as lightning, Bodie grabbed Doyle’s wrists and shoved him away, holding him at arms length. Unable to fight, but still full of fury Doyle continued to yell

“Here I am bearing my fucking soul and all you can do is fucking laugh! Yeah, well laugh it up son ‘coz I’m gonna knock you into next week for this you shit.”

Bodie held his tight grip on Doyle and let him finish his rant. When he finally felt the anger fall away and Doyle’s arms relaxed a little into his grip Bodie silently walked him backwards until he was against the wall, pinned by Bodie’s weight. Bodie held his position until he saw the last of the fire leave his partner’s eyes. Releasing his hold on Doyle, he asked levelly

“You done?”

“Yeah” replied Doyle quietly. “I’m sorry”

“No mate, it’s me that should be sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you. I was laughing ‘coz I thought you didn’t want me anymore, thought you were gonna give me the Spanish Archer”

Doyle raised a quizzical eyebrow.

“You know, El Bow. Giving me the Big E, wrapping me sarnies in a road map. Jesus Doyle, I thought you were dumping me when it turns out that you’ve been feeling exactly the same way as me”

“I have?”

“Yeah you daft git, only I didn’t want to say… The whole time I was in that squat I was thinking of you; it was the only thing that me going to be honest, that and the money”

Both men couldn’t help but chuckle at that last remark.

Running a finger down Doyle’s cheek and cupping his jaw gently, Bodie spoke again

“I’ve spent the last six weeks thinking about how much you mean to me and how the hell I was gonna tell ya”

As all the tension between them was replaced by gentleness, Doyle took hold of Bodie’s hand and slid him down with him to sit on the floor against the wall. Turning Bodie’s hand palm up and pushing up his sleeve, Doyle began to stroke the pearl-white forearm with his fingertips.

Doyle flicked his eyes upwards to meet Bodie’s gaze head-on. “You know what this means, don’t ya Bodie”

Bodie gently took hold of his lover’s curls and pulled Doyle in for a kiss. Just before their lips touch, he whispers his answer,

“It means forever Ray. Forever”

 The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
